I want to take a moment to profoundly thank all of you for your valuable comments. I also want to suggest that if you have a real life topic that bothers you, and you want to discuss it on this forum and receive ideas from other people, please let me know. We need each other sometimes to go through difficult times in our lives. The next topics were suggested to me by friends, mostly men, who have been struggling with them for years now. These are the stories:
1) Bob is deeply in love with Elise. Both are in their late thirties and early forties. They have been dating for a couple of years now and thought their love was indestructible, but now that apparent solid love is threatened. Bob wants a child, but Elise doesn't. Elise says that she doesn't see why she should try to bring another child in this world when there are already so many suffering children who need help. Her solution is to adopt a child and to love him/her like she would do if she had a biological one. Bob disagrees. He wants his own biological child. He wonders what the power of procreation feels like. He fancies a child that would look like him. His dream is to perpetuate the family line and name. A child he will raise, play with, teach things. He wants to have that feeling that biological fathers have when they look at their new-born baby at the hospital. He says he can't feel the same with an adopted child. Their relationship is suffering from that dilemma and is on the verge of collapsing. What can they do?
2) The second story is about Paul. He has been with Amber for five years now. Amber had a son with another guy before she met Paul. In the beginning, everything was fine. Paul thought it wasn't an issue at all. Now Paul is not sure anymore. In fact, Paul doesn't think she is the one. Why? Well, because she already has a son who is not from him. She is genuinely in love with him and believes that he is the one. Yet, Paul doesn't want to settle with her and is looking for another woman with whom he can have his own child. The problem is that he doesn't know how to put an end to that relationship that has been going on for many years. More importantly, he doesn't want to hurt her. What can they do?
NB: Names have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved.
Any thoughts or ideas?
Your comments are highly appreciated.
Thank you
Time to say good bye.
ReplyDelete2) my thoughts that "the one" is a myth. and a committed relationship requires being willing to change.
ReplyDeleteThese are tough scenarios, relationships take a lot of consistent work.
ReplyDelete1) without compromise most likely it will die out eventually. someone will have to love the other person enough to sacrifice their desires.
2) the guy should move on because the love is obviously not mutual. the sooner he goes the better so she can find someone worthy of loving her & her already existing son. not a good match.
I would like to thank those of you who have chosen to give me some positive and constructive feedbacks through my email (including some word to edit). I would also want to share some of those feedbacks with you as I believe that they contribute to the growth of this blog.
ReplyDeleteThe first feedback was about the tone of the topic. The person said that the topic was too male-oriented. I apologize for that, ladies; it wasn't my intention. I hope to have more general topics and encourage ladies to share their experiences too.
The second feedback was that, the topic was too personal and hit home. My intention is to share our real life challenges, support each other and learn from one another. I would hope that everybody feels comfortable to share ONLY what they want to share.
I understand the depth of this topic and I am grateful that some of you have said something about it.
Thanks for sharing.
In response to the first issue...
ReplyDeleteThe story of Bob and Elise is deeply humanistic in that it captures many factors of the human experience, things like decision, compromise, love, sacrifice, fear, compassion, mortality, and even tradition. This issue is very ripe for discussion and I wish to thank Ebede for proposing it on this forum. I encourage everyone to participate in sharing their views and opinions, no matter how private, so that we can learn and hopefully make healthy life sustaining choices. Some of us who are maturing in years are probably faced with this situation right now. Others of us who are still playing video games may come across this issue at some point. When you come face-to-face with it, what will you do?
Bob wants a biological child. I’m willing to bet that Elise wants one too. For her, given her age, it could be the greatest risk she will ever take. She is afraid, both for herself and for their relationship. That’s why she’s suggesting adoption. If she doesn’t consent to Bob's wish, he might seek a younger woman; if she consents there’s a chance, although without certainty, she could lose her life during child birth. This is a tough decision. Bob must take this possibility into account. He might not be able to have his cake and eat it too. Is he willing to sacrifice his “wife” for a child? Sometimes we need to be happy living in the present with the people we are fortunate enough to meet who care for us unconditionally. Bob and Elise seem to have something special. They should treasure it for as long as possible. On the other hand, Bob’s need to have a child that has his DNA is understandable; it’s a natural human need. In fact, it is tradition. Wanting an heir who looks, acts and even thinks like you is a magical thing. It is something that cannot be purchased or manufactured. It’s the real thing…rooted in nature and very powerful indeed. But how much is he willing to sacrifice to get it? Bob needs to put his woman first. She is the present and perhaps the future. This should be the starting point of compromise as they contemplate their next move.
Adoption is a choice for this couple, but they should explore others. Here’s one: Bob and Elise can still have a baby through a surrogate mother. This option has its own complications, but it satisfies two very important needs: Bob gets the biological child he wants while Elise doesn’t lose her man to a younger woman. This might not seem like a fair exchange, but life never is.
Sam
Issues such as to have or not to have a child, are so big.
ReplyDeletethis effects the not yet born child. if a person does not want a child, but goes along for the sake of the relationship, this appears to be committment in relationship. but i say No. this is not fair to the child. think about the child, not just the two adults trying to change each other. that in itself if fundamentally wrong. i love you, you are perfect, now change.
no, if people could accept the incompatibility, and let go. there would not be so many unwanted children in the world.
deep breath.
peace people.